I was startled...

I was startled while reading For The Time Being on how individual life can be represented in simple numbers.  When I hear how amazing China's Great Wall and Egypt's Pyramids are, thanks to Annie Dillard I can't but help think about all of the deaths that went into the creation of the objects.  My dad told me that when he was in Rome at the Coliseum that it was pretty eerie to think that over a million people had died there.
The Stalin quote was disturbing where something about when one person is killed its a tragedy, and when a thousand die it's a statistic.  I've often wondered about Stalin and how he over saw "Marxism" and the death of upwards of 30 million people, and yet we always hear about Hitler and the Nazis. 
I once heard that when a family found out that their next child had down syndrome and they were okay with it because, "It's a test from god," or something, that seemed like one of the most fucked up statements I've ever heard.  I've heard many Christians say that god is all powerful and knowing.  I like how Dillard left it as an either or, when she brought up is god passive, oblivious, or simply selective in the world's affairs.  Some of the Atheists and Christian writers I've read turned me off by their arrogance and certainty of the subject of god.
The question on page 95, What are we doing here? actually kind of freaked me out, because I don't know.  Je ne sais pas sounds much better to my ears, but even the Frenchies haven't answered that question and I don't know if anyone has.
I always get a kick when people ask me what I'm going to do with an English degree.  Je ne sais pas is a favorite, perhaps a goat herder in Kansas.  What I absolutely can't stand is when I hear god has a plan.  Life sounds pretty sad according to Dillard, "Time: You can't chock the wheels.  We sprout, ripen, fall, and roll under the turf again at a stroke."  Thank the high heavens for Caesar and his calender, it would have been awful to live so long in the old testament days.
I'm startled by the prayer, "que le garçon, dont j'ai reve, me parle."The angel collects the notes in a silk bag and delivers them.  I wonder to whom. god?  The bible says that children have a guardian angel over them to protect them until I guess they can fend for themselves.  Why does so much horrific shit then happen to children?  My latin professor at Carroll was Father Shea and if there is such a thing as a cool priest, he is.  We used to have a lot of debates over coffee and his answer was, "god gave us free will."  I slammed my hand on the table and said, "that's the biggest fucking cop out in history."  Such a simple and flat answer to a big question.  Gerrit and Jerrod are telling me that there is no such thing as "good" and "evil" though I disagree.  For the time being I'm going to stay with the Lucretius thought and once were dead, were dead and even if there was "higher beings" why would they give two shits about our mere mortal trifles.
Frye startled me because to go further in Literature I'm going to have to read the bible in a scholary fashion.  Spero that spark notes will work.